Let's Massacre St. Valentine

I'm looking ahead to tomorrow and it's not pretty. Although the provenance of Valentine's Day is legit -- evidently having to do with the imminent arrival of Spring and all those Romans needing to juice up their reproductive organs -- it's transmogrified into an institutional blackmail day, thanks to a young American woman in the 1840s who concocted the idea of commercial valentines, as opposed to cheap little gifts like bananas and figs and other suggestive comestibles. What a racket! Second only to Christmas as a retail spending bonanza -- and that should be enough to put you off your feed and make you put away your credit card -- it's become an excuse for over-expensive dining-out, unnecessary jewelry purchases and the sacrifice of innumerable beautiful roses at the altar of female venality. Throw off those shackles, stay in, and watch some TV instead of greasing the palm of some unctuous maitre-d.

In addition to the usual network sitcom episodes with Valentine themes -- usually pretty bad -- there are a couple of off-the-beaten-path choices which at least will keep you out of the stores, if not the doghouse. For those of you who yearn to get to the science behind this thing called love, Discovery Health has a trio of specials guaranteed to enlighten you. What's In a Kiss?, Love Potions, and Libido should dispel any doubt that it's anything but chemistry, my dear, yet even if it's actually pheromones that make the world go 'round, it's still gonna spin.

I'm going to be tuned into BBC America's Men Behaving Badly marathon from 8p - 1a (with a repeat of the entire block immediately following). Britcoms aren't to everybody's taste, but this one is unfailingly silly and likeable. A critical and commercial super-hit in Britain during the '90s, MBB was spun off into a short-lived U.S. version with Rob Schneider (which wasn't that bad, but still died), and though the episodes are now over four years old, the series will probably be new to you. It's the tale of two lads...er, buddies -- Gary and Tony -- and their relationship troubles with their birds...er, girlfriends. Heavy on the British slang and eccentric to the max, MBB's chief draw is the appeal of the friendship between the two guys, Tony -- with his puppy-dog devotion to his gal Deborah -- and Gary, his ostensibly more-mature-but-actually-completely-not roommate whose girl Dorothy is played by the droll Caroline Quentin. You may have seen her on the mystery series Jonathan Creek, and she's great here as, with complete knowledge of what she's getting into, she still falls in love with the goofy Gary. Martin Clunes is Gary; he has one of the most amazing faces you'll ever see and is an extremely gifted comic actor.

BBC America will be premiering three episodes from the last season of the show (which has not aired on BBCA yet) and others from the next-to-last, where Gary and Dorothy actually get married and decide to have a baby. It'll be interesting to see how MBB handles the baby thing; I know how it would be on a U.S. sitcom and I'd tune out, but this should be a rude and hilarious take on it. Alas, one of my favorite episodes -- where they all sit around watching an episode of Star Trek -- won't be airing, but there's a nice sampling nonetheless. What do I like about the show? Wonderful performances, a giddy goofiness devoid of attitude, a main male character who doesn't look like a model, and a main female character to match -- hmmm, I guess it's no coincidence that the two more traditionally attractive people are a couple, and the more average together (okay, so some things never change) -- but most of all it's the look into the unfettered and unalterably British version of male bonding where men are lads and lager is king.

 
Are You Ready?: A Little Public Service Announcement

With the national security alert level on the 2nd highest setting, check out FEMA's "Are You Ready?" website; it'll give you a little taste of horrifying realism that should send you to the grocery store and the local hardware warehouse to stock up, but pronto. How commentators on the radio and TV can joke about this kind of stuff -- and I've been hearing it -- is pretty disturbing. If there's one thing that should shut folks up, it ought to be the evidently very real possibility that we all might end up pooping in trash bags and eating cold beans until the fallout clears. Scariest item on their to-get list: duct tape and plastic sheeting to cover up doors and windows. And don't forget the batteries for your radios. You wouldn't want to miss the all-clear announcement, would ya?

And of course, birthday wishes today to the greatest President of all, Abraham Lincoln!

 
Follow-up: Kingpin

I still may have some philosophical uneasiness about Kingpin, but it's certainly not boring. The cast of characters is getting nuttier all the time, and the flourishes more exotic and eccentric. There's definitely something appealing about watching a show that you know will end in six episodes, feeling free to enjoy what, because of the limited series status, can soar to crazy heights each week. So far they're definitely in "Can you top this?" mode, with last night's loopy mixture of premonitions, ghostly cats, unholy alliances on the brink, and a memorable canine-infused retaliation making for a very entertaining hour. Watching Yancey Arias' character try so very hard to transform his superstitious, boorish, and unrelentingly blood-soaked compradres into a disciplined 21st century illegal drug machine is some fine TV. I'm rooting for the DEA agent Delia Flores (Angela Alvarado Rosa); she's been relegated to a desk job in Houston, chafed in by her new boss, and is antsy to get back to getting the bad guys. More power to her, and here's to more Kingpin past this initial burst. Don't miss the final three for now, tomorrow and then again next Sunday and Tuesday on NBC.

 
Monday Recommendations

Assuming that watching Joe Millionaire and Fear Factor will ultimately doom your soul to hell (and do you really want to risk it for that junk?), and that the CBS and NBC line-ups will probably be around for repeats, and if you're not a teenage and watching WB (or black and watching UPN), I would heartily suggest that you give ABC a chance with their redone Monday night line-up, for a few reasons:
1.) Veritas: The Quest is a bit of goofy fun, a cross between Tomb Raider, Alias and the teenage angst of Dawson's Creek or something like it. But don't let that put you off it; it's well done in a grand production that might inspire your imagination.
2.) It would be nice to try to convince David Kelley that ABC didn't have intent to commit murder when they moved The Practice to Mondays at 9pm (though it'll be difficult to prove that until Joe M and the coven desert his chateau later this month).
3.) Miracles is intriguing and watchable, and probably won't be around very long, so catch it while you can. Last week's episode was a little reminiscent of that crappy but strangely memorable movie Millienium (you know, the one where Cheryl Ladd has that crazy white blonde beehive hairdo and comes from the future to sleep with Kris Kristofferson and meddle in airplane crashes), and this week looks like something crazy with a Stephen Hawking wheelchair genius-type, and how often do you see that on TV?